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Thursday, September 16th, 2004
12:23 pm - Memo to Anne

tikiking
Dear Anne,

I initially had no objection to your collection of stuffed animals on display in the office. However, as the collection has grown it has started to become a distraction; especially since you've undertaken your recent project to "fix" your collection and make them anatomically correct.

Employees and customers alike are finding it uncomfortable to walk into the office to see something like this:



Please remove your collection from the office immediately. You may also consider seeking the help of a mental health professional.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
9:04 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

While Internet pornography has created quite a profitable venture for some, I have been asked by some of our clients to point out to you that naked pictures of hamsters do not qualify as "h0t n4sty pr0n". If you cannot cease this behavoir immediately, I will be forced to report you to the ASPCA.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
1:06 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

It has been brought to my attention that you have been abusing the office copier. Beating insistently on the cover while shouting, "C'mon baby - do me right this time!" will not result in quality copies. It is also damaging to the equipment. Please stop this behavior immediately.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
1:54 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

As per our intra-office conference call this morning, I must request that you cease masquerading as a dentist. You do not, as you refer to it, "have a talent for inflicting pain," unless you are referring to the embarassing kind. Your "dentist tools" are nothing more than rusty sticks of metal that really should be disposed of properly. Your actions have already resulted in three clients and our office cat needing tetanus shots.

Please halt this farce immediately.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Friday, March 26th, 2004
3:59 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

As per our conversation this morning, you are to cease all book burnings in the office space. I can appreciate wanting to restrict reading material to respective audiences, but I fail to see how burning all copies of Chicken Soup For the Soul is going to keep "little old ladies from burning in hell!"

Also, please refrain from accosting out clientele with half-burned copies of Chicken Soup For the Crackwhores, as they find it both disturbing and troublesome.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
10:48 am - Memo to Anne

tikiking
Dear Anne,

While I commend your sense of civic duty, I must point out that it was wholly inappropriate for you to take yesterday off to vote in the California recall election as you are not a resident of California.

Also your constant repetition of the phrase "The Governator" and your mock Austrian accent is starting to grate on the other employees. We all understand your deep affection for Governor Scharzenegger, but feel there are better ways to express them.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

10:47 am - Memo to Anne

tikiking
Dear Anne,

Once again lawyers for Justin Timberlake have contacted the office in regards to your "enthusiastic" missives. Mr. Timberlake's lawyers want to make it perfectly clear that the two of you did not "secretly get married that night in Vegas" and that indeed, the two of you have never actually met in person.

They also note that they disagree with your contention that your scaling of the security fence at Mr. Timberlake's primary residence as evidence that you are his wife.

They ask again that cease and desist all contact with Mr. Timberlake and please return the undergarments that you removed from his laundry.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Sunday, July 6th, 2003
11:50 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

While no one can deny your sense of individuality or originality, dressing and acting like a pirate is not proper business behavior. Several of our clients have complained about your phone etiquette; answering the phone with a hearty "Arggh?" is not the proper way to answer the phone in this company. I also have to request that you remove your eye-patch and fake wooden leg, as both are causing you to bump into the office furniture and leave unsightly marks on the floor. It has also been requested by quite a few clients that you bathe as soon as possible. It would also be in your best interest to shave and get a haircut.

Sincerely,
Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
10:35 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

While I admire your originality and sense of adventure, bringing wild Rhesus monkies into the office without consulting the Health Department was not a wise decision. Two of our clients have been accosted with feces, while another three have been biten. I can appreciate that you have grown attached to them, especially to "Waldo" who sits upon your shoulder and "grooms" you, but I must request that you remove them immediately and that we seek immediate medical attention.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Friday, May 23rd, 2003
11:31 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

It has come to my attention that you have been stealing and secretly snacking on the office paste supply. I must ask that you cease this behavoir immediately. While white glue may be non-toxic, it is neither nutritious nor free. Your "little paste habit" is costing the company $1500 a month now. Please seek help for your addiction.

I must also ask that you stop using the white out as nail polish.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
10:40 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

There have been several complaints from our clients about your odd habit of talking to a fish you keep in the office. It would not be such an odd habit if the fish lived in a tank filled with water, or if perhaps the fish was alive at all. The smell has become overwhelming, making almost all of our clients tear up or vomit upon entering the office space. Therefore, I must ask you to remove your fishy friend and have the office fumigated immediately.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
9:13 am - Memo to Anne

tikiking
Dear Anne,

While I applaud your love of motherhood, i feel compelled to point out that attempting to hatch a chicken egg purchased from the grocery store is futile. Grocery store eggs have not been fertilized and cannot develop into chickens.

Furthermore, constantly informing clients that you have "an egg lovingly nestled in your warm colon" seems to be permanently driving off both prospective and existing business. I also strongly feel you should not have announced your intentions of "motherhood" in the company newsletter.

Please halt this foolish and disturbing rhetoric immediately. You may also want to consider having that egg professionally removed.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Thursday, May 1st, 2003
11:21 pm - Memo to Anne

tikiking
Dear Anne,

Due to complaints from clients, house pets and a random selection of furniture I must insist that you halt your near relentless belching.

Especially the belching done in time to Nsync songs.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

11:05 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

I must request that you stop walking around, grasping at your derriere, and moaning, "My ass! Oh, my ass!" Not only is your voice unholy, but your constant howling is causing our clients to question whether or not we are a legitimate business. They can hear you over the phone and through the office door. Perhaps you should seek medical attention.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Monday, April 28th, 2003
1:30 pm - Memo to Anne

tikiking
Dear Anne,

I am afraid I will have to decline your request to have a pole and small stage installed in our office space. While I appreciate your willingness to entertain both existing and prospective customers while they are in our facility, I don't believe "exotic" dancing is a professional solution. At least not for our profession.

For the same reason, I will have to ask you to refrain from offering lap dances to visitors in the office as well ask that you start wearing clothing during business hours.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Thursday, April 24th, 2003
3:40 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

I must request that you seek help immediately for your Dorritos consumption, as it is bordering on addiction. It is really quite distasteful to see your face covered in nacho cheese flavoring, and it is scaring our clientele. The empty bags you have left lying around your desk are tempting ants and other assorted vermin into our office. It is not a hygienic situation to work in.

If you feel you cannot seek help for your problem, please let HR know at once. They have some attractive solutions for you, including a new office on the green in Dupont Circle.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-Owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

11:35 am

tikiking
Dear Anne,

Once again I must request that you stop writing fan mail to teenage pop stars on corporate letterhead. This morning we received a restraining order from lawyers of Taylor Hanson stipulating that you remain a minimum of 500 yards away from him, that you immediately cease-and-desist your constant letter writing and that you return his cat immediately.

If you feel you must stalk these teenage boys please do so on your own time and with your own stationary.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
1:40 pm - Memo to Anne

tikiking
Dear Anne,

I would appreciate it if you would stop offering to show potential customers your "vagina filled with centipedes." Obviously none of them have accepted your offer; indeed most have immediately left, while two have vomited. In our current economy we really can't afford to be driving customers away with orifices stuffed full of Scolopendra gigantca.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

1:39 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

I would appreciate it if you would stop talking incessantly about the delivery man's "cute little tight ass."

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Monday, June 17th, 2002
8:47 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to pawn your "prescriptions" off onto the clientele. Not only does it make them nervous, but I have overheard rumors about "calling the narks on your druggie ass."

Sincerely,
Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)


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