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Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
9:04 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

While Internet pornography has created quite a profitable venture for some, I have been asked by some of our clients to point out to you that naked pictures of hamsters do not qualify as "h0t n4sty pr0n". If you cannot cease this behavoir immediately, I will be forced to report you to the ASPCA.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
1:06 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

It has been brought to my attention that you have been abusing the office copier. Beating insistently on the cover while shouting, "C'mon baby - do me right this time!" will not result in quality copies. It is also damaging to the equipment. Please stop this behavior immediately.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
1:54 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

As per our intra-office conference call this morning, I must request that you cease masquerading as a dentist. You do not, as you refer to it, "have a talent for inflicting pain," unless you are referring to the embarassing kind. Your "dentist tools" are nothing more than rusty sticks of metal that really should be disposed of properly. Your actions have already resulted in three clients and our office cat needing tetanus shots.

Please halt this farce immediately.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Friday, March 26th, 2004
3:59 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

As per our conversation this morning, you are to cease all book burnings in the office space. I can appreciate wanting to restrict reading material to respective audiences, but I fail to see how burning all copies of Chicken Soup For the Soul is going to keep "little old ladies from burning in hell!"

Also, please refrain from accosting out clientele with half-burned copies of Chicken Soup For the Crackwhores, as they find it both disturbing and troublesome.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Sunday, July 6th, 2003
11:50 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

While no one can deny your sense of individuality or originality, dressing and acting like a pirate is not proper business behavior. Several of our clients have complained about your phone etiquette; answering the phone with a hearty "Arggh?" is not the proper way to answer the phone in this company. I also have to request that you remove your eye-patch and fake wooden leg, as both are causing you to bump into the office furniture and leave unsightly marks on the floor. It has also been requested by quite a few clients that you bathe as soon as possible. It would also be in your best interest to shave and get a haircut.

Sincerely,
Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
10:35 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

While I admire your originality and sense of adventure, bringing wild Rhesus monkies into the office without consulting the Health Department was not a wise decision. Two of our clients have been accosted with feces, while another three have been biten. I can appreciate that you have grown attached to them, especially to "Waldo" who sits upon your shoulder and "grooms" you, but I must request that you remove them immediately and that we seek immediate medical attention.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Friday, May 23rd, 2003
11:31 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

It has come to my attention that you have been stealing and secretly snacking on the office paste supply. I must ask that you cease this behavoir immediately. While white glue may be non-toxic, it is neither nutritious nor free. Your "little paste habit" is costing the company $1500 a month now. Please seek help for your addiction.

I must also ask that you stop using the white out as nail polish.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
10:40 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

There have been several complaints from our clients about your odd habit of talking to a fish you keep in the office. It would not be such an odd habit if the fish lived in a tank filled with water, or if perhaps the fish was alive at all. The smell has become overwhelming, making almost all of our clients tear up or vomit upon entering the office space. Therefore, I must ask you to remove your fishy friend and have the office fumigated immediately.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Thursday, May 1st, 2003
11:05 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

I must request that you stop walking around, grasping at your derriere, and moaning, "My ass! Oh, my ass!" Not only is your voice unholy, but your constant howling is causing our clients to question whether or not we are a legitimate business. They can hear you over the phone and through the office door. Perhaps you should seek medical attention.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Thursday, April 24th, 2003
3:40 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

I must request that you seek help immediately for your Dorritos consumption, as it is bordering on addiction. It is really quite distasteful to see your face covered in nacho cheese flavoring, and it is scaring our clientele. The empty bags you have left lying around your desk are tempting ants and other assorted vermin into our office. It is not a hygienic situation to work in.

If you feel you cannot seek help for your problem, please let HR know at once. They have some attractive solutions for you, including a new office on the green in Dupont Circle.

Sincerely,

Anne
Partner and Co-Owner
Comango Design, LLC

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Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
1:39 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

I would appreciate it if you would stop talking incessantly about the delivery man's "cute little tight ass."

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Monday, June 17th, 2002
8:47 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin,

I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to pawn your "prescriptions" off onto the clientele. Not only does it make them nervous, but I have overheard rumors about "calling the narks on your druggie ass."

Sincerely,
Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Tuesday, June 4th, 2002
11:01 am - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin:

I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to pawn your half-witted religious practices off onto me. You know very well that I love all of the Earth's creatures and would never harm a single one in the name of (any) "goddess." Furthermore, you are completely aware of my total lack of religion, and I find it highly offensive that you are insinuating that I would take up with that sort of behavoir.

In the future, if you feel you must blame me for some mindless slaughter you have committed, I would ask that you reconsider your actions or I will be forced to report you ro the ASPCA.

Regards,
Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Saturday, March 2nd, 2002
2:54 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin:

I have this chest of blankets and alcohol that I have been keeping for you. When would you like to pick it up?

Sincere Regards,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

Thursday, February 21st, 2002
9:13 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin:

I would ask when you attend conference calls for companies other than our own that you please respect the other people in the office by bathing.

Sincere regards,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

8:49 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin:

Regardless of your claim that you have extensive experience with the "FAX" machine, I have found no evidence that the "FAX" machine in this office has been used since 1993. Therefore, I cannot believe your claim to "FAX" machine fame.

While I am receive the occasional unsolicited email advertising "horse pornography," I feel I must point out that I share such emails only as a source of amusement. I would also like to point out that only a short time ago, you were caught by our office administrator procuring "goth" porn on both company time and company equipment, using the company Internet access.

As for your "nakediness," I would like to point out that the Rock/Alternative group, Tenacious D, is labeled as an "explicit" band. You claim to emulate them. Therefore, you are "explicit" as well.

As for the wrongful claim of my "advances," I would point out that, while you are a married man and faithful, you are, in fact, married to me. If there were such "advances" going on within the workplace, they would be within marital limits. As there are no such "advances" on my part toward you, I would ask that you shove it.

Sincere regards,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

8:44 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin:

As I cannot find any evidence of you actually knowing how to use the "FAX" machine, I am doubtful of your statement that it is "a delicate instrument and requires [your] full attention." At this moment, the only thing that requires your full attention, that I can ascertain, is the procurement of horse pornography.

As for your claim that I am trying to "seduce" you, I would point to the fact that, in fact, I am fully clothed, while you are, in fact, fully naked. If you do not comply with company policy #457, paragraph B, subsection 8a, where it states that all employees will work fully clothed, I will have no choice but to start pelting you with bananas.

Sincere regards,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)

8:35 pm - Memo to Kevin

pezzgrrrl
Dear Kevin:

As per our conversation, you are to immediately cease your grabbiness.

Sincere regards,

Anne
Partner and Co-owner
Comango Design, LLC

(comment on this)


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